There is a friendship crisis in America.
The number of Americans who say they have no close friends has quadrupled since 1990. Lower-income Americans are far more likely to report feelings of loneliness or social isolation, and 31 percent of those aged 18-29 report feeling lonely all or most of the time, increasingly replacing personal social interactions with online ones.
A Spiritual Crisis Is at the Root
Loneliness is not merely a social or cultural issue, but a spiritual crisis. It is frequently the fruit of selfishness and a lack of charity. Making the effort to build friendships is not a luxury; it is a necessity. If we do not consciously prioritize friendship, neither we nor others will benefit from an authentic, virtuous friendship.
Friendships are essential to maturing and necessary for spiritual, psychological, emotional and even physical development. In the past, people would easily strike up conversations with strangers at cafés, on trains or in the streets.
Now, we sit alone, disconnected from everyone. In the U.S., the number of people dining alone has risen by 29 percent over the past two years. Stanford University has even introduced a course called “Design for Healthy Friendships,” highlighting that forming and maintaining friendships now requires conscious learning and effort.
The Decline of Gathering Places
There is a notable decline in social spaces where people commonly meet, though this does not fully account for the rapid decline in friendships. Most people now live their lives strictly between home, work, and perhaps a church or extracurricular activity.
Religious gatherings, clubs, sports and volunteer organizations, which once fostered friendships, are declining. We have become confined to work, social media, family responsibilities and pets. Yes, some friendships do not form simply because pets cannot be left alone!
The False Promise of Digital Connection
The early internet united people around shared interests, with the hope that real-life relationships might form.
Today, however, social media is no longer social. We now carry mini televisions in our phones wherever we go, spending our time watching videos in isolation. Socializing is not even on the radar. In 2018, a Pew Research poll found that teenagers who were connected with their friends online were more likely to have an in-person relationship. By 2022, in-person outings for teens had collapsed.
With the rise of AI, one study found that 25 percent of young adults believe it could replace real-life romantic relationships. To make matters worse, the media and Internet are normalizing this insanity.
Loneliness: The Silent Killer
People with stronger social connections live longer than those without, according to a study published in the UK’s Nature Medicine journal. Researchers found that having a close friend is as good for physical health as regular exercise, and having non-related friends to confide in also extends lifespan.
Conversely, a 2023 U.S. Surgeon General’s report found loneliness to be as dangerous as smoking, stating that it is “associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety and premature death.” Up to 60 percent of Americans feel lonely regularly.
Beyond its impact on personal well-being, the trend is dangerous for America as a nation. A nation that lacks interpersonal relationships is a low-trust society, more prone to crime and unrest, and highly vulnerable to being manipulated by propaganda.
The Generational Struggle
The loss of friendship is measurable and evident across all age groups and demographics—though Boomers are among the hardest hit. Why?
Boomers did not make friends the same way their parents and grandparents did. They did not curate social circles, schedule catch-ups, or maintain friendships through group chats and social media, as subsequent generations have. They made friends through activities tied to institutions: the workplace, the church, the bowling league, the Rotary Club or the school PTA.
However, community organizations have shrunk. Americans are joining fewer clubs, attending fewer meetings, and participating in fewer community activities than at any time in modern history. The structured social environments in which Boomers developed friends have been quietly dying for decades.
The Masculinity Problem of Loneliness
Many Boomer men do not have a single close friend outside their spouse. Surveys consistently show that men’s social circles have been shrinking for decades, and among older men, the numbers are particularly grim. A significant percentage of men over 65 report having no close friends.
The reason is not a mystery: friends have been sought the wrong way. Boomer men socialized by doing—working together, playing sports, fixing things—not by sacrificing for one another out of charity, by conversation, or by pursuing common ideals. Their friendships were activity-based and institution-dependent. When the activity stopped or the institution closed, the friendships simply evaporated because there was no foundation of virtue to sustain them.
Unlike women, who are generally socialized to maintain relationships through conversation and emotional exchange, most Boomer men simply do not have the relational resources to pick up the phone and say, “I’ve been feeling a bit lonely. Would you like to grab a coffee and chat?”
Defining Authentic Friendship
There is a Roman adage that goes, “Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur”—A friend in need is a friend indeed.
Herein lies the problem: friendship is not merely a mutual activity and is often defined in crisis.
In Catholic theology, friendship is defined as a virtuous, reciprocal and selfless love that seeks the other’s true good, ultimately helping both friends grow in holiness and draw closer to God. It is grounded in charity that mirrors Christ’s love for souls and involves mutual support, trust and shared spiritual growth.
Friendship is purchased through suffering for the love of another. The true measure of love is the amount of sacrifice made for another’s good. There is no more perfect example than Our Lord’s Passion and Death, which He willingly accepted for our salvation.
For authentic friendships to grow, the following must exist:
- Desiring the Good for Others: True friends desire what is best for the other person’s soul, encouraging virtue and moral growth, not personal interest.
- Rooted in Our Lord Jesus Christ: It is a relationship strengthened by shared faith and mutual love of God, often described as a “union of minds and hearts.”
- Sacrificial and Selfless Love: Following Our Lord’s example involves disinterestedness, forgiveness and a willingness to sacrifice for others.
- Virtuous and Trustworthy: It is built on the virtues of trust, honesty and loyalty, rather than on pleasure, convenience or selfish gain.
Rebuilding the Social Fabric Through Authentic Friendships
As the world spirals into chaos and wholesale apostasy from the Catholic Church, it is no wonder that friendships are declining at an alarming rate.
It is time to put an end to this damaging trend. Societal change happens slowly, and it is up to each of us to shore up America’s weakening social fabric. Each of us needs to take ownership of this problem, both for our spiritual health and for the nation’s well-being. To have a friend is to be a friend; practicing charity by bearing others’ defects is never easy.
The defects of our fallen nature normally repel others. Yet we are social beings, which means we find fulfillment only by living together in society. Thus, these relationships either become a living hell or require us to control ourselves and be good to others out of virtue. Even if it is initially an artificial situation, our nature after original sin requires us to act this way.
To be a friend, we must tame and conquer the decadent and twisted nature within each of us after original sin. If we do this, authentic friendship will develop alongside the desire to remain friends. The practice of virtue in social relationships is essential to achieving the perfection of human relationships as God desires. Without it, we are simply selfish people pursuing selfish interests to the peril of our souls and those of others.
Photo Credit: © fotoduets – stock.adobe.com
First published on TFP.org.